A reoccurring theme has caught my attention. At first I dismissed it as my imagination running wild and playing the "victim" one too many times but through the mist of self doubt and a naive optimism of the human spirit, I am starting to see people a little more clearly than I would like to. Ignorance truly is bliss.
My circle of friends is admittedly not large but I've always treasured the fact that the people in my life are honest, decent and people I can call, without reservation, friends, in every sense of the word. But how well do we really know each other? It can take years for someones true colors to show and by then you're so invested that you start making excuses for behavior that is mean, spiteful and down right nasty.
Unfortunately this has happened to almost all of the relationships, I believe I have nurtured, in the last few months. I have always prided myself on the fact that when a friend is in need, I have indeed been that friend to turn too. But as my life has started taking unexpected turns and certain aspects are changing, I've found a disturbing amount of jealousy. It's an unmistakable look. It's an unmistakable turn of the lips into a forced smile. Needless to say, it has made me very wary to share any kind of good news, there will be no spreading on my part, in fact, I find myself down playing my achievements and trying to be less of who I am.
A trip has unexpectedly come my way and as joyous as I am, I find that I have no one to share it with. The people I used to call "friends" have all but told me to jump off a bridge, I had one friend say "I'm going to Mozambique!" another said "Don't get your hopes up, a lot can change in a year" and another said "Oh......good for you", the pain on their face saying that one simple statement, is something that has plagued me for a while.
I remember when they went overseas, I was shouting from the rooftops, "Congrats!! Whoohoo! You're going to love it, take loads of photos and I want to see them when you get back!" and all that they can muster for me is negative sentiments, competition driven statements and forced good will toward men, in this case, myself.
My daughters first birthday, a day that was as important to me as to my little angel, was marred by a jealous and clearly insecure woman, I had considered a kindred spirit. It made me wonder how long the wool had been pulled over my eyes and how long I had been dancing ignorantly in the dark to the tune of insincerity.
I'm not saying in anyway that I am immune to the charm of jealously but I have never (yes, I can say that with absolute certainty) lowered myself to making someone else feel bad about the good news they are sharing with me. I have, actually, gone above and beyond the call of duty when feeling happy for someone else, because let me tell you, no one likes a bitter Betty. Well that's what I thought, but apparently bitter Betty's are a dime a dozen. Go figure.
My naive way of thinking is fast becoming a thing of the past and I find myself wary of the intentions of others, as much as I don't want to live like this, as much as I want to believe in the best in people, I have yet to be shown that that part exists. Show me a genuine person and Ill show you the optimistic and loving side of myself until then I'll keep my eyes open and my heart shut.
