World Of Tourism

Can single people be friends with people who are in committed relationships? This is a question I have been asking myself for many years and I had always leaned towards yes until an encounter last night made me think twice. I've had this friend for many years, she's beautiful and bubbly and is recently single, I've never seen her as a threat, I've always believed that if you are in a secure relationship no one can truly be a threat. She's spent time with my significant other and I've trusted the fact that she knows the boundaries and respects them.

So while sitting with her and having a much needed catch up session, I listened patiently to her stories of love lost and found, of her new mindset to be single and free and take things slow and her new behavior towards men. In fact she stated quite clearly, "I am not sleeping with anyone, if I kiss someone so be it, I'm free right? But men have made me feel so vulnerable, I just want to be friends with them for now". I understand this phase she's going through as I have been through it myself but as I started to ask her about her plans for the following day, a tale emerged that I found myself struggling to be quiet about.

There is a man she has known for many years, he's married and she knows his wife, I didn't think anything of it because as I've stated before I thought she knew the boundaries and respected them. However a tale of flirtation and inappropriate behavior emerged. She informed me that they would be spending the day at the beach together, alone, because his wife would be working. A tiny alarm flag goes up for me, she then proceeds to tell me, "He says that he wants to pick the bikini I wear (laughing) and I told him that only if he puts it on and takes it off for me! (more laughing)"

It is at this point that I must have had a very confused look on my face because she immediately stopped laughing. All I could think about was how this poor wife would feel if she knew that was being said. I could spend the entire day writing all the things she said and many of them would shock you, but the anger I feel right now prevents me from doing that. I quickly wrapped up our little session before I heard anymore and made an excuse to get out of there. I started to think that she is one of the many reasons women who are in relationships find it so difficult to be friends with someone who is unattached.

We are all inherently insecure, it's a trait that we all share as human beings but of course, with everything in life, there are degrees of insecurity and this takes it to a whole new level. One of my goals for 2010 is to be more optimistic so I decided that I won't be narrow minded and judge every single person as a threat because of my misguided friend, I'll keep an open mind, but I will definitely be a little more cautious and selective.

Trust, it's an issue that is claimed to be the foundation of all our relationships. I strongly believe that statement, I don't believe that it's the entire foundation, other aspects such as love and respect make up a good portion but without trust those aspects would literally mean nothing.

It's all interconnected, as most things in life are, but after an incident that occurred today, I wondered how many people there are in my life that I can actually trust. I won't answer that because I think the answer would shock even me. If you've ever watched an Oprah show, you'll be familiar with Skype. I was speaking to a close friend of mine and admittedly giving him a mouthful, he had done something to upset me, now this is a person I trust considerably, we've chatted for hours and shared a lot with each other, when out of the blue, his friend, who by default is now my friend, tells me that he was shown the conversation by my close friend. This immediately upsets the balance of a friendship I considered to be trustworthy.

Needless to say this left me dazed and confused and scrambling to understand how the dynamics had changed so abruptly, I felt violated. Unable to talk to him anymore, I made up an excuse and did the dodging dance that I have come to do some well lately. You see, I was entrusted not to tell my close friend about his friends betrayal. It was a melting pot of betrayal and I was the only one that seemed to be keeping her word. A true position of weakness because I love giving my opinion, to a fault actually.

I seem to be put into that situation a lot, people feel they can trust me, share their secrets and it's usually friend against friend, piggy in the middle and I'm quite certain I've been unknowingly on the other side of that too. So when it comes to trust, I can feel myself becoming slightly more bitter, starting to watch what I say, keeping doors I once left wide open, shut and locked. I consider myself to open and honest and I've had to start altering who I am to protect myself from the hurt of people not being trustworthy. I was unfortunately unable to dodge this bullet.

I'm not for one second claiming perfection, in fact, I'm as human as the rest of the world but I try not to intentionally hurt other people and that's more than I can say about the people in my life nevermind the rest of the population. It saddens me that something as simple as a promise can be broken so easily, that years of trust can be destroyed in a second when one lie makes itself known, and the more lies that are told the deeper the rabbit hole becomes. Trust is as fragile as glass, it's just in its nature, let's be a little more careful in it's handling.

Boundaries have recently been on my mind. I'm not one for boundaries and I've been thinking that maybe I should be. With boundaries comes respect, or so I've been told. But there's the question of how do you institute a boundary with someone who is so used to the way things have been over the years? Do you have a sit down and have the awkward conversation of "this is how things need to be from now on". Currently I've been doing the dodging dance, but then I still get shackled with an awkward conversation, the "where have you been?" one.

Let me elaborate..... I'm the type of person that trusts naively, loves intensely and gives unconditionally. Now as egotistical as that sounds, I'm sure many will verify it's truth. But an incident occurred that made me think twice about the way I treat people and vice versa. It was my daughters birthday, a person who I was very close to, came into my house, ate my food, insulted my mother and behaved like white trash (there really is no other way of putting it)and needless to say I stood with my mouth hanging open practically catching flies. At one point she screamed across the room as she left "remember to bring me leftovers!" She had stayed a total of 30 minutes. To top it off, let's just say the dress code was kiddie friendly and her daughters arrived in outfits that would put hookers to shame.

I'm really not a snob, please don't get the wrong impression, but I can tell you that I like to think of myself as a person with class and when that happens, it insults every fiber of my being. I had to stop and reanalyze the people in my life and the kinds of relationships we have. I haven't seen her since then and its been over two months, she knows why I am not speaking to her, but she doesn't have the decency to find out or apologize but that's an expectation I have to get rid of quicker than the trash on a Tuesday morning. Including her.

My point, is that she is not entirely to blame for the incident, I am just as much to blame. I allow the people in my life to use me as their personal door mat and I never say anything about it, that's why I've decided to set boundaries and let the chips fall where they may. It's cliche to say but if they are true friends, they'll stick around, if not, I'll know where I really stand. I would rather have a few true friends than a million leeches. It's a cleansing feeling, cleaning out the metaphorical trash in your life. I think we all know who they are, and yet we are so scared of being ourselves and fighting for the right for our own rights! Here's to boundaries and the respecting of them!

A reoccurring theme has caught my attention. At first I dismissed it as my imagination running wild and playing the "victim" one too many times but through the mist of self doubt and a naive optimism of the human spirit, I am starting to see people a little more clearly than I would like to. Ignorance truly is bliss.

My circle of friends is admittedly not large but I've always treasured the fact that the people in my life are honest, decent and people I can call, without reservation, friends, in every sense of the word. But how well do we really know each other? It can take years for someones true colors to show and by then you're so invested that you start making excuses for behavior that is mean, spiteful and down right nasty.

Unfortunately this has happened to almost all of the relationships, I believe I have nurtured, in the last few months. I have always prided myself on the fact that when a friend is in need, I have indeed been that friend to turn too. But as my life has started taking unexpected turns and certain aspects are changing, I've found a disturbing amount of jealousy. It's an unmistakable look. It's an unmistakable turn of the lips into a forced smile. Needless to say, it has made me very wary to share any kind of good news, there will be no spreading on my part, in fact, I find myself down playing my achievements and trying to be less of who I am.

A trip has unexpectedly come my way and as joyous as I am, I find that I have no one to share it with. The people I used to call "friends" have all but told me to jump off a bridge, I had one friend say "I'm going to Mozambique!" another said "Don't get your hopes up, a lot can change in a year" and another said "Oh......good for you", the pain on their face saying that one simple statement, is something that has plagued me for a while.

I remember when they went overseas, I was shouting from the rooftops, "Congrats!! Whoohoo! You're going to love it, take loads of photos and I want to see them when you get back!" and all that they can muster for me is negative sentiments, competition driven statements and forced good will toward men, in this case, myself.
My daughters first birthday, a day that was as important to me as to my little angel, was marred by a jealous and clearly insecure woman, I had considered a kindred spirit. It made me wonder how long the wool had been pulled over my eyes and how long I had been dancing ignorantly in the dark to the tune of insincerity.

I'm not saying in anyway that I am immune to the charm of jealously but I have never (yes, I can say that with absolute certainty) lowered myself to making someone else feel bad about the good news they are sharing with me. I have, actually, gone above and beyond the call of duty when feeling happy for someone else, because let me tell you, no one likes a bitter Betty. Well that's what I thought, but apparently bitter Betty's are a dime a dozen. Go figure.

My naive way of thinking is fast becoming a thing of the past and I find myself wary of the intentions of others, as much as I don't want to live like this, as much as I want to believe in the best in people, I have yet to be shown that that part exists. Show me a genuine person and Ill show you the optimistic and loving side of myself until then I'll keep my eyes open and my heart shut.

As I get older, I start to wonder why it's so difficult to find a good friend. The really funny thing about this thought is that I would say I have a reasonable amount of friends and yet I only consider one of them to be a good friend. As I sat at a lunch organized by my other half, I looked around at all the people in my life and I thought "I don't actually enjoy spending any time with you....or you....or even you...."

Now as harsh as this might sound, I can't help but honest about this. Every one of my friends has been accumulated over time, from High School, to my first job and so on and I started to realize that in each of those phases of my life, I had been a different person and as much growing there is ahead of me, I feel as though I have outgrown some of my oldest friends. It really is a sad state of affairs.

My birthday is coming up soon and I've decided to go away for a weekend of partying and just all round fun and for the first time in my life I can only think of two people that I would want to be there. The rest I would feel obligated to entertain. Who wants to spend their birthday weekend entertaining instead of being comfortable enough to enjoy themselves with people that don't expect something from them?

It's a conundrum, I find that all the things that wouldn't have bothered me 5 years ago is really starting to irritate me. Things like not pitching to a party and not letting me know, arriving at my house unannounced and expecting to be chatted to for hours, talking about the "old times" over and over until I actually want to fall asleep from extreme boredom. Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic? They're all my friends right? Is it just me or are good friends becoming extremely hard to find??